Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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