I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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