When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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