Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
