OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Apparently you make a good broom.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
