Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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