He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
So much rum. So many feels.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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