I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Randomize
