I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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