I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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