Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
