Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
