A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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