a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
