Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I think my moral compass just broke
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
