She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize