her vagina looked like bernie madoff
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
