wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
