nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
