That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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