Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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