Only a mothe r could love this liver
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
