no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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