the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
