She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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