i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
