I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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