so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Never joke about your clitoris.
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