sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
that may or may not have been my penis.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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