it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
