Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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