the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
