Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
