I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
