Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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