just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
