: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Randomize
