Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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