Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
