Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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