The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
