Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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