if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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