I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
