but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize