Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
she smelled like a LAN party
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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