Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
