I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
