OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
