I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
