Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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