Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
