chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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