Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
