i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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