Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
