He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Randomize
