I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
