She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize