So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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