the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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