you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
im drinking this country out of the recession.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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