so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
