My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Princesses don't give blow jobs
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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