i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
