So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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