I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
