When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
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