i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
