I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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