Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
