I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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