My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
