I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
